QBreak

Notice @ Notis

2010-11-10T17:46:00.001+08:00

Hi there!
I have no new articles in this blog.
Please visit my other blogs and share your experience!

May you have a productive and innovative day :)

Salam sejahtera!
Tidak artikel baru dalam blog ini.
Jemput lawat blog saya yang lain dan berkongsi pengalaman anda!

Semoga hari anda produktif dan inovatif :)
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Yuna ~ dan sebenarnya

2010-01-09T19:16:00.000+08:00

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Divorce after 35 years

2009-12-05T01:07:00.001+08:00

An elderly man in Mumbai calls his son in New York and says, 'I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.

'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls Mumbai immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then , don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??' and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay', he says, 'It's all set. They're both coming for our anniversary and paying their own airfare!!'

MORAL:

No person is busy in this world all 365 days.

The sky is not going to fall down if you take few days LEAVE and meet your dear ones.

Worldwide Moment 2009 (Malaysia) 09.09.09 GMT+9 09:09

2009-09-11T14:54:00.000+08:00

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10 Marketing Concepts

2009-08-07T00:08:00.000+08:00

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's DIRECT MARKETING.

2. You are at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him!"
That's ADVERTISING.

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call her and say, "Hi, I am very rich.
Marry me!"
That's TELEMARKETING.

4. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You get up and straighten your tie. You walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her. You pick up her
bag after she drops it. You offer her a ride and you say, "By the way, I am very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's PUBLIC RELATIONS.

5. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich. Can you marry me?"
That's BRAND RECOGNITION.

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You walk up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's CUSTOMER FEEDBACK.

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You walk up to her and say, I am very rich. Marry me!"
And she introduces you to her husband.
That's DEMAND AND SUPPLY GAP.

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You walk up to her and before you can say anything, another person comes along and tells her, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's MARKET COMPETITION.

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You walk up to her and before you can say anything, another person comes along and tells her, "I am very rich. Marry me!
And she follows him.
That's LOSING MARKET SHARE.

10. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You walk up to her and before you can say, "I am very rich. Marry me!",
YOUR WIFE TURNS UP!
That's BARRIER TO NEW MARKET ENTRY.

Boy....

2009-07-27T18:01:00.001+08:00

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

“Mom,” he asked, “Are these my brains?”

“Not yet,” she replied

(thanks Wan!)

Secretary and Boss

2009-05-05T14:32:00.002+08:00

This is not funny for the love birds. Still, its hilarious and they deserve it.... good lessons for bosses who are married yet gatal ;p

A SECRETARY accidentally bit off the penis of her employer while giving him oral sex in a car.

Sin Chew Daily and China Press reported yesterday that while the 30-year-old woman was performing oral sex on the man, the car was hit by a reversing van. The impact of the crash, China Press reported, caused the woman to bite off her lover’s organ.

The daily reported that the incident occurred in a Singapore park where the couple met after work.

To make matters worse for the woman, her husband had sent a private investigator to spy on her after suspecting that she was being unfaithful. The investigator said he had followed the woman and her boss to the park.

“On reaching the park, they did not alight from the car. Not long after, the car started to shake violently. After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood,” he said.

The woman later followed her lover to the hospital with part of the sexual organ.

The investigator, who called an ambulance to send the man to hospital, said that this was the first time he had encountered such an incident.

Source: Star Online

The Generation Y

2008-10-16T14:44:00.004+08:00

- Silent generation, people born before 1946.

- Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959.

- Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.

- Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995.

Why do we call them generation Y?

This is the Reason

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Belajar Jepun

2008-10-13T15:28:00.000+08:00

Nama-nama Jepun :)

01. Yang pemarah - KEiJI CACIMAKI

02. Yang suka berjimat - SAYORI SUKAMURA

03. Yang bisu - KIETA TADASORA

04. Yang suka makan nasi - NANACHi KASIBANYA

05. Yang suka layan blues - APO NADIKATO

06. Yang suka belajar - ASHIKO ULANGKAJI

07. Yang kerap bikin kacau - WAKASI HURUHARA

08. Yang sangat kedekut - MATIMATI TAMOKASI

09. Yang suka sangat tidur - ICHIBAN TIDOMATI

10. Yang suka mengintai - HINTAI AKOSUKA

11. Yang tua - TARAGIGI PADANMUKA

12. Yang kena tinggal bini - SUSAHATI BINILARI

13. Yang suka merempit - SAJA CARIMATI

14. Yang Lembab - AYUMI SIPUTBABI

15. Yang suka BERSUMPAH - lU FIKIRLAH SENDIRI.

[terimakasih pada brader Kebuk]

Louis Armstrong ~ what a wonderful world

2008-07-27T04:52:00.000+08:00

Think and Thank, Berfikir dan Bersyukur!

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Jason Mraz ~ I'm Yours

2008-07-27T04:23:00.003+08:00

I won't hesitate, no more, no more.
There's no need to complicate because our time is short.

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20 things to remember during the Working Days

2008-07-26T03:53:00.002+08:00

Got this from an email. Please consider seriously before following these "tips" :)

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time so you don’t have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! ....

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Mathematics

2008-07-23T21:44:00.001+08:00

Romance
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Office
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Shopping
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
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Tallest Vehicular Bridge

2008-07-15T23:55:00.004+08:00

Imagine standing at the edge of this tallest bridge in the world...... beautiful yet scary!? More about the Millau Viaduct bridge on wikipedia and more photos on Google.

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Don't Worry Be Happy

2008-07-15T14:30:00.001+08:00

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Here's a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry, be happy.

In every life we have some trouble
But when you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy.
Don't worry, be happy now.

CHORUS:
Don't worry, be happy. Don't worry, be happy.
Don't worry, be happy. Don't worry, be happy.

Ain't got no place to lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Don't worry, be happy.

The landlord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Don't worry, be happy.

CHORUS:
(Look at me -- I'm happy. Don't worry, be happy.
Here I give you my phone number. When you worry, call me,
I make you happy. Don't worry, be happy.)

Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style
Ain't got no gal to make you smile
Don't worry, be happy.

'Cause when you worry your face will frown
And that will bring everybody down
Don't worry, be happy.

CHORUS:
(Don't worry, don't worry, don't do it.
Be happy. Put a smile on your face.
Don't bring everybody down.
Don't worry. It will soon pass, whatever it is.
Don't worry, be happy.
I'm not worried, I'm happy...)

Thanks to Bobby Mc Ferrin

Anamorphism

2008-07-15T14:26:00.000+08:00

..
A pool in the middle of the street? Look at the guys feet in the pool:

Well, from another perspective.... it is all just a flat illusion!

Hari ni belajar perkataan baru.... berbelit lidah nak sebut:

We can be looking at the same thing differently and both of us are right!! So what is real?
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Pick-up Line Comebacks...

2008-07-08T00:08:00.002+08:00

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

source: lawakjenaka.com

Naik Minyak sebab Minyak Naik!

2008-06-10T12:15:00.002+08:00

Kerana minyak melambung melangit......

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Batu Apa?

2008-04-17T19:17:00.006+08:00

Download perbualan ini sebagai pengajaran cabaran dalam berkomunikasi. Klik untuk dowload Batu Apa

Lebih jelas kalau download dan dengar sendiri. Tapi kalau nak baca transkrip perbualan itu, ia seperti berikut.

Panggilan talian kecemasan 999:

Pemanggil: Hello Semilang Semilang Semilang?
Operator di 999: Selamat petang, boleh saya bantu?

Pemanggil: Di sini kite nok melaporkang ade eksideng blaggor

Operator: Dekat mane tuh?
Pemanggil: Kapung pusak sembur, batu nang

Operator: Batu ape?
Pemanggil: Batu nang

Operator: Ulang semule batu ape?
Pemanggil: Batu nang

Operator: Batu APE??
Pemanggil: Batu pe#&r BODO!!!

Pengajaran:

1. Berkomunikasi memang banyak cabaran. Sama-samalah bersabar :)

2. Jangan buat panggilan palsu atau mengganggu operator 999. Ramai orang perlu bantuan segera, kalau lambat tindakan boleh hilang nyawa dan hilang harta-benda. Mak bapak, tolong ajar anak-anak, kalau tak nanti orang kata anak kurang ajar! Yang dah dewasa tu, pergilah cari benda yang lebih berfaedah atau belajarlah berkawan. Sekarang dah ada Akta untuk saman RM50,000 dan penjara 1 tahun untuk panggilan palsu. Yang lebih besar, ingatlah sentiasa, ada ubi ada batas.... satu hari Tuhan balas!
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Olny srmat poelpe can raed this

2008-04-04T04:08:00.001+08:00

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed this psas it on

ok, you are smart :)
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Lawyer oh Lawyer.....

2008-03-06T14:08:00.002+08:00

An auditor and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Kuala Lumpur to New Zealand. The lawyer asks if the auditor would like to play a fun game? The auditor, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, the auditor declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the Auditor's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless he plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The Auditor doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a$5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay", says the lawyer, "your turn." He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library, no answer. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the Auditor, and hands $500.00. The Auditor says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the Auditor and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Auditor reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

source: Funny Joke Malaysia
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Fart & Music

2008-02-27T16:47:00.002+08:00

You were riding a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. Every time you farted, you timed it with the music.

When you were going down the bus, everybody were throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realized......... that you have your MP3 player on your ears!
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Golden Years

2008-01-31T14:24:00.000+08:00

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
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Old Age

2008-01-31T14:23:00.000+08:00

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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Effective Communication skills

2007-12-14T23:47:00.000+08:00

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars in London.

Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.

Ahmed says, "Look at your sign - It says,
'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.'

Britons who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign."

So Hamid looks at Ahmed's sign which reads,
"I only need another £10 to go back to Pakistan" !!
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Polish Remover

2007-11-16T10:47:00.000+08:00

"A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She is going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"!

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A Perfect Spouse!

2007-10-26T02:26:00.000+08:00

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one."

The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."

The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need television."
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Agree to Disagree

2007-10-05T21:52:00.000+08:00

Great Minds think alike.

Fools never differ.

Damned Fools never agree.

Computer Dependency

2007-10-03T15:04:00.000+08:00

This
just proves that we have become
too dependent on our
computers.

Are you
male or female?

To find out the answer, look
down...

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Look
down!

not scroll
down!

Be Honest!

2007-06-29T21:02:00.000+08:00

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

thank you my friend

A Man & An Ostrich

2007-06-29T18:47:00.000+08:00

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him and, as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” then turns to the ostrich.”What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man.

“Same for me,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.”

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I’d just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress then asks, “One other thing, Sir. What’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

thanks MindBloggin

Working Man

2007-06-29T11:47:00.000+08:00

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation.The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;

Manager:- My friend, you have not worked here for even one day. (The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain).

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager:- So , what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said) 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3 (one third)

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3 of 366 = 122 in days)

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager: - Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on the Merdeka Day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.
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So Clever Huh.....

2007-06-28T01:00:00.000+08:00

One night 4 college students were playing till late night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.

Qn.1. Your Name..................(...2 Marks )

Qn.2. Which tyre burst ?.........(.98 Marks )

a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right

[people said, it is a true story from IIT Bombay, Batch 1992-96!]
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Don't Do It

2007-06-23T13:10:00.000+08:00

Don't put sand in your rice bowl.

Don't throw stones if you living in a glass house.

And the following is an updated version in the Space Age :)

source: Say No to Crack
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Definitions

2007-06-16T03:10:00.000+08:00

School : A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance : A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.

Nurse : A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic : Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

English is Easy?

2007-06-15T03:42:00.000+08:00

.
Fill in the following blank with “YES” or “NO”

a) ______ , I Don’t Have a Brain!

Do you still think English is easy?
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One Very Happy Wife.....

2007-06-14T22:50:00.000+08:00

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!...
Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed:

"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!!!
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Job Vacancy: PARENT

2007-03-28T13:41:00.000+08:00

VACANT POSITION:
~ Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma , Mak , Emak, Ibu, Umi
~ Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Ayah, Bapak

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
Responsible for the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Dedicated to parents in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis. And to anyone thinking of applying for the job.
And credit to the unknown parent who wrote this job specs :)

Other Links: What F.A.M.I.L.Y. means? and Parents' Wish .

You First..... only in U.S.A!

2007-03-23T02:09:00.000+08:00

Expand (a + b)n

2007-03-21T17:07:00.000+08:00

You laughing laughing, you know the answer or not? ;)
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Digi Ads ~ funny

2007-03-16T11:31:00.000+08:00

If you feeling down, watch Digi's TV Commercials. They are funny and innovative. No need sexual ads for good promotion mah....
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Pelajar Melampau

2007-03-15T19:17:00.000+08:00

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Apa yang budak dua orang tu tersengih-sengih?

Dah kepanasan sangat agaknya budak ni?

Memang melampau betul pelajar lelaki ni!
Ada ker dia berlenging kat Internet =:p

Sometimes, what you see is not what you think ;)

timakasih roshaizulnizam
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Mom...

2007-03-14T04:08:00.000+08:00

A young boy is sent to bed by his mother...

[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a glass of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to SPANK you!!"

[Five minutes later]
"Mommm..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"
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Disorder in the American Courts

2007-03-12T15:18:00.000+08:00

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

___________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

___________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Source: From a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.

Loving Hubby....

2007-03-11T19:29:00.000+08:00

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.... somewhere in Kuala Lumpur, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

------------------------------------
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 11 january 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival.

Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Your loving Hubby

Russel Peters...... hilarious

2007-03-06T11:06:00.000+08:00

~ More from the funny man Russel Peters

~ About Russel Peters
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Too Smart!

2007-03-04T00:39:00.000+08:00

A Primary School teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what is your problem?” Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the Primary 1. My sister is in Primary 3 and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in Primary 3 too!”

The teacher took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal that the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the Primary 1, and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in. The conditions were explained, and Harry agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9″

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36″

And so it went with every question the principal thought a Primary 1 student should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Harry can go to Primary 3.” The teacher says to the principal, “May I ask him some tougher questions?” The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: “What does a cow have four of that I have only two ?”
Harry: “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such aquestion!)
Harry: “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”

Teacher: “What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, and it is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thinwhitish liquid?”
(The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer….)
Harry: “Coconut.”

Teacher: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
Harry: “Bubblegum.”

Teacher: “What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and dog do on three legs?”
(The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer…)
Harry: “Shake hands.”

Teacher: “Now I will ask some ‘Who am I’ sort ofquestions, okay?”

Teacher: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Who amI??”
Harry: “A Tent.”

Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored.The best man always has me first. What am I??”
(Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)
Harry: “A Wedding Ring.”

Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, Idrip. When you blow me, I feel good. What am I??”
Harry: “A Nose.”

Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I??”
Harry: “An Arrow.”

Teacher: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put this ass in Primary 6! I got the last 10 questions all wrong myself.”

source: Mindbloggin.net

Global Warming

2006-09-22T08:24:00.000+08:00

Dream Husband

2006-09-21T14:23:00.000+08:00

There were several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly, a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H - Husband, W -Wife)

H - “Hello?”

W - “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

H - “Yes.”

W - “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

H - “What’s the price?”

W - “Only $1,000.”

H - “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”

W - “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price…and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”

H - “What price did he quote you?”

W - “Only $260,000…”

H - “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

W - “Great! But before we hang up, something else…”

H - “What?”

W - “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,Garden, beach front property.”

H - “How much are they asking?”

W - “Only $2,450,000 — a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”

H - “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $2,420,000. OK?”

W - “OK, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”

H - “Bye…I love you too…”

The man hangs up & closes the phone’s flap. The other men are staring at him with astonishment and envy. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks, “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?

Accountants......

2006-09-20T16:07:00.000+08:00

1. An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said, "I like both." "Both?" The accountant replied "Yes. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

2. To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3. An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week". The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The accountant said, "Look, I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

4. An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it"

Life Cycle

2006-09-19T14:25:00.000+08:00

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican Village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, “Only a little while, Senor.”.

The American then asked, “Why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?” The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, Senor.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But Senor, how long will this all take?”. To which the American replied, “15-20 years.” “But what then, Senor?”

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is Right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.” “Millions, Senor? Then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal Fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

“You mean being a Harvard MBA, you have to go thru all that to finally get to where I already am, Senor?”

Know Your Business

2006-09-11T14:30:00.000+08:00

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone , then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."

Salary Increase

2006-09-04T14:16:00.000+08:00

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary !!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company . I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad . I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean .

Yours truly,
Manager

Analytical Science of Women

2006-09-01T02:43:00.000+08:00

Scholars in various faculties in a university were asked to conduct a research analysis on women based on analytical science. The findings and submissions are as follows:

Faculty of Electronic Engineering

Faculty of Statistics

Safety and Health Department

From the Mathematicians

School of Business and Marketing Management

source: Maverick SM .

CEO's Secret Envelopes

2006-08-30T14:09:00.000+08:00

A large high tech company just hired a new CEO. The CEO who was stepping down met him privately and gave three numbered envelopes.

"Open one of these if you face a problem you don't think you can solve," the former CEO said.

Things went along pretty smoothly initially. But six months later, the company faced severe cashflow problem and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.

The message inside read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a Board of Directors meeting and blame the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the Board responded understandingly. Luckily, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company faced slowdown in sales combined with product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.

The message inside read, "Blame the Staff and Reorganize." This he did, and somehow the company rebounded.

After sometime, the company once again fell on difficult times due to competition, lost of focus and complacency. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
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Learn English....

2006-08-18T18:12:00.000+08:00

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Humans ???

13. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???

Get Back to WORK !

Non-Smoker's Advice

2006-08-08T05:38:00.000+08:00

A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.

The nonsmoker says, "I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"

"Four."

"How long have you been smoking?"

"Thirty years."

"That's over forty thousand packs. Why, if you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"

"Never"

"Do you own this building?"

"No."

"Well, I do."

Lesson: check your facts before giving advice. And smoking is still bad for your health. See www.whyquit.com :)

Hiring Right Person for the Job

2006-08-07T10:21:00.000+08:00

.
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation:

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them.
Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved. Congratulate them and put them in board of directors and top management.
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Never Assume

2006-08-06T13:16:00.000+08:00

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO. As his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Lesson 1: Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything

Lesson 2: Never ASSUME, it makes an 'ASS' out of 'U' and 'ME'

Reap What You Sow?

2006-08-05T13:18:00.000+08:00

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese are you?" Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean." The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.

The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese,Vietnamese!, etc......???" The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?!"

The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkey, or monkee?"

Lesson 1: Never insult anyone.

Lesson 2: What goes around comes around

Lesson 3: You reap what you sow

Right Foot

2006-08-02T00:41:00.000+08:00

A little test to do at your desk.....Try This Now!

This is so weird that it will boggle your mind. And you can keep trying to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it (as if you facing the clock and mirroring it's direction).

2. Now, while doing that, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your right foot will change its direction to anti-clockwise!! And there is nothing you can do about it :)

If you don't get it. Check instruction 1 again.

Think Twice!!

2006-08-01T13:08:00.000+08:00

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a British and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same andshouted," VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.

The last is the British. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!........."

Lesson: Think twice before you say something, because sometimes what you say accidentally does happen.

Wait

2006-04-30T10:55:00.000+08:00

A man send his watch for minor repair to a shop which has the sign 'Repaired While You Wait' on the window.

"You can collect this tomorrow," the girl told him.

"But" protested the man, "your sign said repairs while you wait?"

"Well, you'll be waiting won't you?" said the girl with unanswerable logic.

Aim Please

2006-04-29T18:10:00.000+08:00

.

We aim to please
You aim too, please

Integrity and Wisdom

2006-04-28T10:42:00.000+08:00

"Integrity and wisdom are essential in every business" said the boss to a new employee.

"By integrity I mean that when you promise a customer something, we must keep that promise even if we lose money"

"And what is the wisdom" asked the new staff.

"Don't make such fool promises"

Work Alound

2006-04-26T10:46:00.000+08:00

Ivan had a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,''. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.''

In class a few days later, the teacher asked Ivan to recite the sentence out loud. Ivan nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him.

Then he said, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''

Somebody, Everybody, Anybody, Nobody

2006-04-20T02:34:00.000+08:00

Here is the story of four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it but Nobody did. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody would not do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once there were four executives. Their names were: Tom Somebody, Dick Everybody, Harry Anybody, and Joe Nobody. They were very active and busy people; but what they accomplished was a shame and Everybody knew it. For example, Everybody had a good idea. Everybody thought Somebody would follow it through. Somebody thought Anybody would work on it. Anybody thought Everybody should do it. So Nobody ended up working on it.

Now they all belonged in the same team and a great contest was on. Who could produce the best product? Everybody thought Anybody would win the prize. Anybody thought Somebody would win it. Somebody thought Everybody would win it. Nobody was the most qualified of the four. Nobody was very faithful. Nobody worked very hard. Nobody won the contest. Which of the four received the prize? Nobody !!

Good News

2006-04-10T01:35:00.000+08:00

The doctor had finished his examination and with a smile on his face said: “Mrs Jones, I have some very good news for you”.

“Miss Jones”, she corrected.

The doctor wiped the smile off his face.

“Miss Jones, I have some very bad news for you!!”

Bed Phobia

2006-04-10T01:32:00.000+08:00

When on the bed, he was terrified something might be underneath it. When he got underneath it, he was terrified something might be on the bed.

The psychiatrist said he had bed phobia and was charging him $250 per hour.

After one year of treatment and paying a lot of money for it, he told the psychiatrist he wasn’t coming back again. “I had a talk with my neighbour and he solved my problem” he added. “Ohh? How did he achieve that?” asked the psychiatrist.

“He came over and sawed the legs off my bed!!!”

Psycho...

2006-04-09T02:43:00.000+08:00

An attractive young lady was sitting alone at the restaurant when a young man approached her. "Excuse me," he said, "may I buy you a drink?"

"What, go to your place?" she screamed.

"No, no," protested the young man. "You misunderstand me. I just asked if I could buy you a drink."

"You are asking me to go to your place?" she screamed even louder.

The young man retreated to a corner table while everyone glared at him indignantly.

After about 10 minutes the young woman came over to explain. "I'm sorry to have made such a scene. I am a psychology student studying human behaviour in unexpected situations."

The young man looked at her for a moment, shook his head as if in disbelief and then shouted very loudly: "What! 500 Ringgit !!!"

"Tate" Members

2006-04-09T02:38:00.000+08:00

Here's a look at “Tate” members exist in organisations:

There's Dic Tate. He wants to run everything.

Poten Tate wants to be a big shot.

Ro Tate tries to change everything. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" is not one of his favorite proverbs.

Miss Tate always trips over her tongue.

Mu Tate is a strange person.

Agi Tate is always stirring up trouble, helped along by Irri Tate.

Decapi Tate is even worse. He's always after whoever is in charge.

Debili Tate seems to cripple every good move others make.

Whenever someone proposes a new project or event, it's impossible to get the Hesi Tate and Vege Tate interested.

Regurgi Tate always brings something up again for a new vote.

Resusci Tate breathes new life into the organisation.

The twins Anno and No Tate keep copious records of meetings.

There's Imi Tate who likes to copy ideas by others.

Devas Tate is the voice of doom. He thinks he is devil's advocate.

Gravi Tate only follows what the boss says.

Fortunately, there's Facili Tate who is always helpful.

One happy delightful member is Felici Tate.

While Cogi Tate and Medi Tate always need to think things over; they are sure to lend helpful, steady hands.

Mili Tate always jumps in, ready to work.

Rehabili Tate helps run the office activities.

Ampu Tate has completely cut himself off from the organisation.

Ageing Playboy

2006-04-07T03:45:00.000+08:00

The ageing playboy was having his annual medical check-up.

"Sex?" asked the doctor.

"Infrequently" came the reply.

"Hmmmmm" the doctor pondered. "Is that one word or two?".

Young Doctor

2006-04-07T03:43:00.000+08:00

A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the younger doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!”

The new younger doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

How to Write Good

2006-04-07T03:39:00.000+08:00

Good tips by William Safire on how to write good:

Avoid run-on sentences as they are hard to read and they are often hard to follow the meaning of that the writer intended when he sat down and wrote what you are reading right now.
No sentence fragments.
It behooves us to avoid archaisms.
Tame the temptation to test the tolerance of alliteration.
Also avoid the allure of allowing abundant assonance.
There are no apostrophe’s in plural’s that aren’t possessive’s."
Don’t use no double negatives.
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: resist hyperbole.
Avoid commas, that are not necessary.
Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
Avoid trendy, slang lingo that sounds flaky.
Writing carefully, dangling participles should not be used.
Kill all exclamation points!!!
Never use a gargantuan word when a diminutive one will be sufficient.
Proofread carefully too see of you mispelled any words or if you any words out.
Take the bird by the horns when it comes to not mixing metaphors.
Don’t verb nouns.
Never, ever use repetitive redundancies over and over again.
A preposition isn’t the best thing to end a sentence with.
But, if necessary, the previous rule is something with up you don’t have to put.
Do not be afraid to use contractions. They are perfectly acceptable, even for business communications.
Be careful of sentences which misuse relative pronouns, that are very clumsy.
It is un-necessary, even non-sense, to over-hyphenate words with pre-fixes.
But in reader focused, high end writing, hyphens are a top notch way to add message enhancing clarity to your writing.
Last but not least, avoid clichés like the plague.

Medical Training

2006-04-07T03:38:00.000+08:00

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you must not be disgusted by anything involving the human body". “For an example”, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”

What Would You Do?

2006-04-07T03:00:00.000+08:00

Fed up with a series of bad decisions by the referee, the team captain approached the referee and said: "If I called you a stupid old goat, blind as a bat and thick as a brick, who didn't know the first thing about football, what would you do?"

"I'd report you and you would be fined a fortune," said the referee sternly.

"What would you do if I didn't say it, just thought it?" asked the captain.

"Well, I couldn't do anything about that" replied the referee.

The captain said... "Okay, we'll just leave it at that, shall we?".

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes...

2006-04-06T21:02:00.000+08:00

specially dedicated to Ivan Ho =8p

That's not right... SUM TING WONG

See me urgently... KUM HIA NAO

Stupid Man... DUM GAI

Small Horse... TAI NI PO NI

I bumped into a coffee table... AI BANG MAI NI

I think you need a face lift... CHIN TU FAT

It's very dark in here... WAI SO DIM?

This is a tow away zone... NO PAH KING

Our meeting is actually next week... WAI YU KUM NAO?

Staying out of sight... LEI YING LO

He's cleaning his automobile... WA SHING KA

A Mother Taught....

2006-04-05T13:06:00.000+08:00

Things someone's mother taught him (or her):

Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"

Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"

Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

Mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."

Mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."

And the all time favorite thing - JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

Children....

2006-04-04T12:49:00.000+08:00

People who say they sleep like a baby, usually don't have one.

We can learn many things from children. For example, how much patience we have.

Don’t be annoyed when your children ask impossible questions; be proud that they think you know the answers.

In 20th century, fathers were never truly appreciated. In 21st century, fathers are never truly appreciated.

Fortunate Man

2006-04-03T12:36:00.000+08:00

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kindhearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her."

"Why did you make her so good-looking?"
"So you could love her."

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her."

The man thought about this. Then the man said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"
"So She could love You."

No Experience

2006-04-01T03:34:00.000+08:00

Interviewer = For a person with no relevant experience, you are asking for a high salary.

Applicant = Well sir, the work is much harder when you don't know what you are doing.

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2006-01-01T04:44:00.002+08:00

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